Episode 10 - Andy and Ernie Comics

Welcome back to the Forgotten Library; I’m Nikki Gee. Today, we’re going to take a look at some Golden Age teen comics.

Comics have been discussed in previous episodes, so I’ll just go through a very brief history here; for more info, you can listen to episodes 3 and 5 or check the show notes for my source materials.

When we say “Golden Age,” we’re looking at roughly 1938, when Superman was first introduced, until approximately 1950; post-World War II, superhero stories declined in favor of genre comics, such as romances, Westerns, and so forth.

Quite a few publishing houses began pumping out comics during this time period; one of these was Ace Magazines, owned by a husband and wife team known as the Wynns. Ace Magazines also went by the names Ace Periodicals, Ace Comics, and Periodical House. They were one of the first American paperback lines and got their start in pulps, dumping most of the latter in 1949 to focus on comics, especially romance titles. In the mid-1950s, when the market was oversaturated with four-color fancies, Ace gave up the comics game entirely in favor of paperbacks, which were becoming more profitable for them.

Today’s selection is a teen humor title called Andy and also Ernie. Teen comics were the precursor to the romance genre comics, and Archie is generally considered to be the very first one. There were others, but not as well-known, or as long-lived. Prior to Archie, there were comic strips and movies featuring teens, but Archie, having been a guest star in other humor titles, soon became his own thing and spawned many imitators.

For many of these comics, titles changed rapidly and yet the numbering would stay the same; this was to get around the post office. Technically, a new title would need a new permit, but by keeping the numbering sequential, the publishers would usually be able to slip it past the PO and keep the costs down. To take today’s selections as an example, the numbering started as Scream Comics for issues 1 through 19, became Andy for numbers 20-21, then Ernie for #22-25, All Love Romances for #26, and finally dropping the last word to become All Love for six issues (which I covered in episode 3 of this podcast). So, 32 total issues with five different names, but all threaded together to appear as one series. (Hat tip to Comic Book Plus and the Grand Comics Database for having all the information put together in chronological format).

[break]

So, yes, today’s fare is Andy and also Ernie. No idea why they renamed the titular character, perhaps to avoid confusion with a different comic, but I was unable to discover why, and I suppose it doesn’t truly matter, as our bumbly protagonist only has six issues altogether. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The very first comic is entitled “The New Look.” We open with a young blonde girl descending the stairs in a tucked-in long-sleeve blouse and a mid-calf-length skirt; she asks a boy in the foreground (Andy himself) about her outfit – isn’t it “groovy?” He says it’s “gruesome,” and can’t believe his own sister would come to this. She tells him it’s the New Look, and he quips that next she should ask their father to trade in his convertible for a horse and buggy. Oh, all right, ha.

Now, Andy’s sister (her name is Billie, by the way) is actually wearing the New Look, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. For those not up on their fashion history, let’s take a brief sidequest.

In 1947, Christian Dior debuted his new haute couture collection; one of the pieces was the Bar Suit, featuring round shoulders, a nipped-in waist, and a full skirt. Legend states that the editor of Harper’s Bazaar at the time is the first to utter the phrase “new look” in relation to this collection, and so a legacy was born.

The New Look was more than just a couture collection, as fashion had become more utilitarian in the early 1940s, mainly due to rationing. Clothes were intended to last longer and many of the “frillier” adornments were prohibited in order to save materials for the war effort. Pleats required more fabric so styles eschewed them in favor of straighter skirts (and even some pants for those who were taking up the work left behind by men sent to the front). Rubber was also needed for the war, so any women’s styles that would have required a girdle to make those teensy waists were jettisoned in favor of a more relaxed appearance.

Post-war, Dior’s ideas were a middle finger to wartime rationing and dearths of materials; yards and yards of fabric for just one skirt. The New Look itself, however, was really an older look in a more expensive and embellished form. The hemlines, for one, were longer, and for these full skirts to be truly feminine, foundation garments, such as the corset, were once again in vogue. Understandably, there were some women who chafed against this “new” look as restrictive and regressive; freedom had been hard-won for women on the homefront, and this was just putting them right back to pre-war ideals and notions.

Getting back to Billie, it’s unclear if she, as an average teenage girl, would have been wearing some department-store version of Dior’s new fashions, but it’s difficult to tell because no one was really logging what teens were wearing back then like we do today. Sure, there were magazines showing fashions, but, thinking back to when I was a young girl in the early 1990s and read Seventeen magazine religiously – I never adopted many of those trends, some because of cost, and other times because they were fucking ugly. And I’m willing to wager that it was similar for the rest of my listeners; feel free to let me know if I’m wrong.

Billie is trying to convince Andy as they walk out of their house and up the street that this “new look” is all the rage and everyone is wearing it. He’s like, “Not everyone,” and points to Billie’s friend, Teddie, coming towards them, in a just-below-the-knee length skirt and a short-sleeved blouse. Teddie thinks Billie looks nice, and Andy tries to compliment Teddie, but gets all tongue-tied and flustered and quickly leaves.

As Andy is heading home, he is stopped by several boys who are calling an emergency meeting; they’ve seen this “new look” and they are NOT happy about it. The neighborhood boys use Andy’s idea of a “girlcott,” and the next panel show the boys marching in the streets with protest signs such as, “You used to look so swell, but now you look like, well . . .” and “Let the sanitation department sweep the streets!” This annoys some of the girls and they stop talking to the boys, so they reconvene for another idea. Once again, they use one of Andy’s ideas – they’ll dress in older styles for gentlemen and in this way, will show the gals how ridiculous THEY look. They raid old closets and attics, junk and costume shops, and take to the streets, even talking in older slang and trying to chat up their chicks. And of course, it backfires – the girls think they look great and it’s a distinct improvement over their slacks and sweaters.

Andy has ANOTHER idea, but it’s only now that the rest of the guys ponder whether they should follow them, as his others haven’t worked out too well. One even posits that he’s a spy sent by the girls, but he says that no, the girl he likes is the only one NOT wearing this new look, which gives one of the other boys the idea to use “psychology” to get the gals to shed their ridiculous outfits.

Andy is sent to Teddie’s house to take her out, which is a dream for him, but he’s socially awkward and can barely talk to her. He even asks if Teddie is home, to her face when she answers the door! Of course, she says yes to his soda invite, and possibly the movies later. Andy takes her through the center of town and the other guys fawn over her and her look, which the other girls definitely notice and suddenly, are all rushing home to change.

The boys are clapping Andy on the back later that evening as he goes to collect Teddie for their movie date; imagine his surprise when she answers the door, wearing the New Look, which had just been delivered! He didn’t know, fellas, honest! [sad trombone]

The next story is about baseball; Andy is a bumbly guy who is bad at sports, until he isn’t. We also see he is not always a milquetoast, as someone insults him at a game and Andy promptly lays him out cold, then hits a homer to win the game.

Then, Lily Belle, who is a stereotypical Southern gal with a coterie of suitors that she strings along so they’ll do stuff for her. In this installment, Lily Belle is rushing off to the train station, to meet Humphrey Swain, the movie star. The boys scoff at her interest in him, because he’s super-old, but Lily Belle is having none of it.

Meanwhile, on the train, Swain is getting bad news from his agent(?), I presume. He’s not selling out theatres like he used to, so his contract is in danger of not being renewed. They need a publicity stunt . . . hmm, what about that cute little dame outside? If you charm her into marrying you, we can use that to play you up as the “big lover.” Humphrey thinks it’s a fabulous idea, and starts to head off, but the agent tells him he should probably straighten his wig first.

He steps off the train and meets Lily Belle, whose last name is CORNPONE. (for those not in the know, this is a type of cornbread, yes, but also is a slang term for an unsophisticated person). Swain here claims to know Lily Belle’s father, the great Colonel Cornpone, and Lily Belle takes him to meet her daddy.

The Colonel says he remembers Swain from pictures when he was a kid, and of course, Swain quickly swats that comment away and says that he would like to ask the Colonel for Lily Belle’s hand in marriage. The Colonel demurs a bit, saying she’s a bit young, but then Swain mentions plantations and estates and the Colonel is starting to warm up to the idea. Lily Belle is NOT sure about this, but the Colonel is beginning to be persuaded, especially when Swain says that his family has always been the type to just take what they want, anyway. The Colonel immediately gives his blessing, shocking Lily Belle, then leaves the two “lovebirds” alone. Swain tries to kiss her, but she falls backwards in a faint, grasping at Swain’s wig on the way down. She doesn’t see it, but The Boys, watching outside through the window (like the good peeping-Toms-in-training they are) see everything. They resolve to help Lily Belle out of this mess.

The Colonel comes back to see if Lily Belle has accepted him, which of course, Swain says yes, over Lily Belle’s protests. The Colonel slaps Swain on the back, knocking his teeth out of his mouth. He doesn’t see this, of course, and the agent hurriedly drags Swain outside before he really blows his age cover, saying they’re heading to the newspapers for the official announcements. After they leave, Colonel Cornpone tells his sad daughter that she has to cut loose those young’ins she’s been hanging around with, as she’s an engaged woman now and it wouldn’t be proper. She says she won’t do it, and she guesses that she won’t marry Swain then, but the Colonel is daydreaming of estates and dollar signs and won’t hear her. The newspapers already have put up the announcement, even though it seems Swain and his agent just left two panels ago, but whatever.

Lily Belle meets her fan club on the front porch, giving back all the nice gifts they’ve given her and sadly telling them that she can’t see them anymore. The Boys tell her not to worry, they’ve figured out a way to rescue her. The Boys have enlisted several of their friends and sisters to represent the Humphrey Swain fan club; they go to his dressing room and protest his engagement, saying that if he marries, they will no longer support him. Swain is mad at his agent and they both come to Chez Cornpone to break the engagement off. Swain says that his fans won’t hear of him “marrying a nobody,” which enrages the Colonel enough for him to take his gun off the wall! Swain begs for his life; Cornpone says he’s getting a preacher RIGHT NOW and he’s gonna marry his lil’ gal off.

The Peepin’ Toms hear of this and quickly hatch a plan to halt Lily Belle from getting hitched. They round up some little kids and one of their female friends and when the preacher gets to the point where he entreats anyone to “speak now,” the girl barges in the front door, with kids in tow; she says that she’s his wife and he left her with all of these kids. The kids do a good job for their nickels, climbing up his legs and calling him “daddy Humphie.” In the next panel, Swain and the agent are running full-tilt down the street, inches away from Colonel Cornpone’s shotgun. Meanwhile, Lily Belle is out with the boys, taking turns dancing with them as a thank-you for saving her from marriage to a toothless oldster.

The next story is Andy getting into a mix-up, as he tends to do, just by being his awkward self. It involves a really dumb visual gag about a perfume called Torrid n’ Tempting, which is abbreviated on its brick-red box as TNT, and it isn’t worth wasting time going over. If you really want to look at it yourself, it’s in issue #20.

Some of these comics included pages of jokes, many of which would not be cool (to put it mildly) to recite today. They’re entitled “Screamers,” and yes, I agree, but with pain rather than with laughter. Here’s an example that should summarize all you need to know:

A hawk-faced old biddy walked up to a kid who was smoking, shook a finger at his nose and said, “Young man, does your mother know you smoke?”

“Lady,” the kid retorted, “does your husband know you stop to talk with strange men on the street?’

Old maids also come under fire here, as well as dumb chorus girls, ethnic humor, and the implication that Scotsmen are cheap, as well.

The cheap Scotsman idea carries over into our next comic, which features a guy named Orville, who appears to be a soda jerk at an ice cream shop. Mr. Mactavish is his boss and he reads like Scrooge McDuck; he has to go away on business so he’s going to close the shop for a day, but Orville convinces him he can handle it, which makes Mactavish relieved that he won’t lose a day’s profits. Orville, however, is not so bright and gets a payment plan idea from the furniture store across the street. He and his girlfriend, Kewpie, do a booming business, of course; and when Mr. Mac comes back to the store, he thinks that they’ve been robbed. When Orville tells him of his genius idea, Mac takes him outside to “talk things over,” which of course involves physical violence, as we see in the next panel when Orville has slid down the front of the building with an impressive shiner. Mac wants him to go collecting the rest of the money, or he’ll have Orville put in jail.

Orville goes collecting, and of course, most people aren’t willing to pay up. One guy gives him raffle tickets to sell and collect money that way. Another family says they’re going to sue the ice cream parlor because he “poisoned” their child with all that junk food. Orville goes back to Mr. Mac and he gives Orville until the next day noon before he’s getting turned over the police, then swiftly kicks him out, literally.

Orville has no better luck next day and glumly goes to the church bazaar to face his reckoning. However, what he thinks is an attack mob is actually congratulating him, as his raffle ticket won – the prize? [a new car!] The car is worth about $1,800 so Mr. Mac takes it, as that is conveniently how much business debt Orville racked up. He says he’s still owed about twelve cents in change, but Mr. Mac says that’s how much the dishes he broke cost, so Orvie ends up with nothing. Boohoo.

Finally, there’s an advertisement in here for Viderm, an acne treatment. It’s basically an entire page of text, which tells you how much the times have changed. There is a similarly named product today, but I cannot confirm if it is indeed the same one.

The next issue advertises 7 different comics on newsstands now! In addition to Andy, there was Dotty, Hap Hazard, and Vicky for more teen fun, Monkeyshines for hilarity, Penalty for true-crime, and Super-Mystery for all the sleuthing enthusiasts.

In “The Bashful Balloteer,” Andy is inadvertently nominated for student body president; he clobbers the noxious Carl Clubhead and everyone votes for Andy. When they clamor for a speech, however, he turns tail and runs away.

Andy next stars in the “The Prince of Papooshka.” Teddie enlists Billie, her friend and Andy’s twin sister, to help Andy along to make a date with her for the Saturday night treasure hunt. Billie tries a tactic wherein she talks about several made-up family members to boost his confidence; he goes over to Teddie’s house, and instead of asking her out on a date, regales her with stories of his ancestors’ exploits until she is weary of him.

Billie tries again, having Andy dress up in a suit and moustache and ask Teddie out as Cousin Wilmer; this way, Billie reasons, if Teddie were to reject him, it’s a part he’s playing so it won’t hurt his feelings. The neighbor boys spot “Cousin Wilmer” asking for a date and receiving it, much to their chagrin; this is further annoyance when they discover who Cousin Wilmer really is when his moustache blows off his face. Set in their minds that they must “rescue” Teddie, the fellas hatch a plot where they, dressed like something out of the Arabian Nights, approach Cousin Wilmer and proclaim him the long-lost Prince of Papooshka. They put Andy under lock and key at the local hotel, presumably bribing the proprietor to keep him there.

Andy tries to tell the security guard that he’s NOT a prince and he can go, but the guard isn’t having it. Andy finds a piece of paper one of the boys left behind – it’s a report card. Andy is pissed off now, and for a shy young man, he has a terrible temper when provoked. He breaks through the door and evades the guard, rushes over to Teddie’s house, and fights the boys there. He doesn’t realize until after Teddie says yes and uses his real name that his disguise has fallen off. Hooray confidence. Or something.

Lily Belle is back and in this new adventure, is immersed in fairy tales of princesses and knights. Her regular coterie of gentleman callers is fighting amongst themselves about who was supposed to accompany her to the Dipsydoodle Dance – but it turns out, she just cain’t say no, so she asked all of them! There’s an easy way to figure this out, though; she tells them that the first boy to bring her the head of a dragon will the one she takes to the dance. Two of them run off right away, but Frankie is starting a new job, so he can’t go dragon-hunting. Lily Belle is sad because she really wanted to go with him, and then as he walks away she thinks about how hard the whole thing is going to be because where would one find a dragon?

And now here’s one around the corner! What?! Don’t freak out, dear gal, it’s only your daddy, Colonel Cornpone. Lily Belle asks if he’s going to a masquerade, but it turns out that she’s been elected to the membership of the Grand Order of the Dragons. Umm, are we to take that the way I think we’re supposed to take that, because if so . . . [that’s racist].

The rest of it is pretty damned dumb and not really worth regaling you with. Colonel Klan Member gets beaten on the head a few times by the boys who think he’s a real dragon, and to that I say, it’s what you deserve! Cornpone catches wise and puts a torch in the mouth of the costume so he looks like he’s breathing fire. Frankie’s “advertising man” job is actually wearing a sandwich board for cigars, so they rescue the colonel by saying he’s part of the campaign. So Lily Belle goes with Frankie after all because he’s the one who caught the dragon, for realsies.

Some dumb jokes involving these characters and another Orville story about mistaken identity (a dog and a young lady both named Betsy) round out this issue. As well as a full-page ad for George Jowett’s body-building courses. George Jowett was a well-known strongman and weightlifter in his time. In this advert, he was selling 5 of his courses in one volume for only 25 cents!

The next issue is when the comic was renamed to Ernie, but it’s still the same bumbly guy. The seven comics they are showcasing on the inside cover are the same, except they’ve swapped Penalty (the true-crime one) for Western Round-Up, which I presume have to do with cowboys or something.

Speaking of cowboys, the first comic involving Ernie in this issue is called “Jest Go West,” and man, they really love their puns, don’t they? Ernie and his sister, Billie, are going to a dude ranch, and Ernie opines to Teddie that he really doesn’t want to go, but his father insisted. He resists Billie’s entreaties to put on the cowboy outfit she bought for him, even when they arrive at the ranch and everyone else is dressed in such a manner. Their argument is overheard by a fellow cowboy and he gets in Ernie’s face about how he’s talking to the “wimmin’ folk.” Dude seems like he means business, especially with those guns of his, so Ernie runs to his room and changes into his new duds.

When he comes downstairs, the ranch owner’s daughter thinks he looks super familiar, and Ernie gets tongue-tied. Her father takes her on the side and says that he must be “Sure-Shot Sloan,” the famous gunman; he had extended an invitation to the ranch a while back, hoping to impress the guests with the next Billy the Kid, which seems rather questionable, wouldn’t you say?

Ernie tries to convince the girl that he’s Ernie, but she thinks he’s going incognito and that would explain why he’s not packing. Not to worry, she’s got him covered with her daddy’s guns! Nosy Cowpoke from earlier asks the girl if Ernie is bothering her, but she’s like, “He’s Sure-Shot Sloan!” which throws the dude into a frenzy because now he’s afraid of getting plugged. Meanwhile, Billie tells Ernie to give the guns back before someone gets hurt; he approaches Cowpoke which makes him afraid and he runs for it. And here we have the second overtly racist thing in this six-issue run: FraidyPoke runs past what I presume is a Japanese “houseboy” , carrying a bucket of hot water. He shouts something in Japanese, which, judging by the context clues and the next panel, seems to be for the guy to get out of his way, because they collide hard and the Japanese man is thrown into the air, with the hot water fully dousing him on the way. He shouts something at the cowboy as he picks himself up and continues his run. Billie tells Ernie he should apologize for scaring the man, as the man goes up to the house and tells the assembled menfolk that Sure-Shot is after him. They’re happy to hear this, as a reward of $1,000 was just posted for his capture, so they head out to round him up. They shoot at poor dumbass Ernie as he tries to head up to the house; Ernie turns tail and runs away, trying to drag Billie away from the ranch NOW.

The gunners run into the REAL Sure-Shot shortly thereafter, and he starts shooting at THEM. Billie and Ernie are running by him next, and he tries to go after them, as well, but Ernie has had enough by this point and his temper is up. He slugs Sure-Shot in the face and knocks him out cold, which causes the young gal from earlier to fawn all over him. For he took out Sure-Shot without a weapon, how amazing! She kisses him on the cheek, and before they can get him to go for his reward, he runs offs, dragging Billie with him. The young girl marvels that he wasn’t afraid of anything, until she kissed him. Heh.

In “Apologetic Apollo,” Ernie gets into an altercation with Buster, who is jacked and handsome and trying to move in on Teddie. She’s not interested, so he tells Buster to shove off, and of course, Buster wants to fight him. Buster ends up tripping over his own feet and embarrasses himself in front of Teddie, so he wants to pay Ernie back with a fellow exercise in humiliation. He has one of his cronies invite Ernie to join the secret He-Man Club, while they send Teddie an anonymous note to go to a particular place to see what a “he-man” her “boy friend” really is.

Ernie arrives at the spot and they make him don a flowy, nightgown-like garment and then try to catch a butterfly as a “test of endurance.” Ernie gamely strides about to try to get the insect, until he sees Teddie and Billie coming up the walk. He makes a run for it, still in the gown, and literally upends an applecart in his escape through the middle of town. Salvation comes in the form of some statues dressed similarly to him that are waiting to be loaded into a truck. The truck, it turns out, is going to the art museum, where it just so happens that Billie and Teddie are headed as well, for an art class.

The girls take a look at the posed Apollo and marvel at how much he looks like Ernie. All the other girls fawn over him at school the next day, but Teddie is all, back off girls, he’s mine.

Lily Belle’s daddy, Colonel Cornpone, is a son of the Confederacy, which we already kind of inferred from the previous bullshit he’s pulled in the other comics. This strip involves one of Lily Belle’s suitors having the last name of Grant, and the Colonel doesn’t want that sort of Yankee riff-raff in his house. She tries to get everyone to talk sensibly at the soda shop, but then somehow there’s Confederate money involved and it’s all so very stupid.

The next strip is not so much stupid as anger-inducing and why we still have so many problems today. “Knows His No!” begins with Ernie, Billie, and Teddie talking after football practice; Gus and Buddy are the big heroes this year, according to Ernie. And here comes one of them now. Gus talks about himself in the third person as he asks Billie to go to the Fall Frolic with him. She says No. So he says he’s not going to leave her alone until she says yes. So she says she already said No FIVE times, but ends up giving in anyway.

Billie tells Ernie he should ask Teddie so they can all go together, but before he can spit it out, in swoops Buddy and beats him to it. She accepts reluctantly, and he says that he never takes no for an answer. Billie doesn’t understand why Ernie isn’t more assertive and what’s so annoying about this whole thing is that – it’s obvious that Teddie really like Ernie, as she says yes to him all the time, and she always hopes that he’ll ask her on dates and such, but because of the time period she has to be wait to be asked to do anything.

Anyway, Ernie says that he can’t compete with a football star, so . . . why bother? And trudges home. Gus walks Billie home and she asks him how he’s so confident and he credits a little book that Buddy loaned him called “How to Make Girls Like You.” Billie asks to borrow it and slips it under Ernie’s door, hoping that it will help her brother.

Ernie picks it up and reads, “A girl never really means what she says. When she says No . . . she really means Yes; therefore, never take NO for an answer!” Fantastic; proto-pick up artist bullshit. Ernie is so happy that he’s read this and “solved the secret of girl’s thoughts!” Oh, Ernie, no.

He tries it on his sister with chores. And she ends up mowing the lawn, so his next target is Teddie. She isn’t at home so he is invited in to wait for her, reading some more of the book in the meantime. “If girls insist on saying no, it is then necessary to exert your magnetism and force them to change their minds! A girl’s mind is very pliable!” He practices his assertiveness with the chair cushion and Teddie walks in to overhear him telling said cushion that it should do as he says! Teddie, very concerned about Ernie’s state of mind, rushes over to tell Billie and they go back to Teddie’s house together.

When the two get there, he seems okay, but they are still concerned. He asks Teddie if she will go to the dance and she says yes, which leads to Ernie thinking that this must also mean the reverse, so she means no, and therefore he needs to use his magnetic force. He grasps her arms and says that he INSISTS she go with him and she says he’s so overwhelming and then kisses him, which knocks him flat on his back. After he gets up, he takes Teddie to the soda shop and gives Buddy back his book, saying it “did wonders” for him. Teddie says, Yes, and since she couldn’t say no to Ernie, she has to break her date with Buddy. Ha ha.

What follows is “Ernie’s Joke-Fest,” which are jokes and set-ups with the characters contained in these comics, but they didn’t bother to change Andy’s name in the body of the text.

Finally in this issue, it’s Orville’s turn to have a racist storyline. It involves a stereotypical Native American, complete with halting English and liberal mentions of squaws and wampum, et cetera. And of course, he carries a tomahawk. I know, its 1948, what do I expect?

The next issue is from November 1948. Ernie’s first strip is “Wedding Belles Ring.” He wants to buy Teddie a birthday present. Billie suggests a nice school ring that are all the rage right now. The predatory jewelry store clerk sees him for an easy mark and gets him to buy an expensive ring ($150, which according to the inflation calculator, would be over $1600 today), which apparently, is an engagement ring.

Ernie gives it to Teddie, she accepts their engagement, and both sets of parents object due to their ages. They connive to get the kids to break it by having them learn a trade (Ernie) and learn how to run the home (Teddie). The kids end up meeting up due to Teddie clogging the sink and Ernie being sent with the plumber he’s apprenticing under to fix it. Ernie in his bumbly way messes up her dinner, they fight, and they call the engagement off. Ernie buys Teddie flowers in the end to make amends and she says that’s the BEST present of all.

In “Salt Water Daffy,” there’s a fishing contest. The biggest fish wins an automobile and the rarest, a date with Teddie. Teddie hopes Ernie will win, but Billie says that Ernie is no fisherman. Teddie’s father is a fishing enthusiast, however, and has a very large one hung on the wall, which gives the girls an idea.

The next day, Ernie hooks something so big it turns him ass-over-teakettle in the boat. It’s a mermaid! They declare Ernie the winner of both contests, as that’s the biggest as well as the rarest. Someone protests that a mermaid is only half a fish, so there’s some argument, and then they declare Ernie’s prize will be stuffed and mounted along with the previous years’ winners. The mermaid jumps into the water and is soon chased by a shark. Ernie is angry that a shark would try to get her, so he attacks the shark and drags it on land, still winning the contest. So, he gets the automobile and has a date with Teddie, but he never arrives. The girls go to look for him, and they find him at the dock, trying to once again catch the mermaid. Teddie sniffs and says she won’t play second-fiddle to such a creature, even if the fish was her. I just want to know how she washed the green paint out of her hair so quickly.

The Lily Belle comic involves a parrot who not only mimics speech, but can apparently hold a regular conversation. Yeeah.

“Laugh and Love” puts Ernie in a position to be Boy Mayor for a day. The girls scheme up an idea for him to rescue Teddie from the water during the new ship launch at the pier. Two of the bullies catch wise and try to screw with these plans by trying to save her first, but end up having to be rescued by Ernie. Ernie gets accolades and he has a date with the mayor’s daughter, which the girls insist he keep, because if he can get Susie to like him, he’ll be a shoe-in for Boy Mayor. Once again, the bullies try to get in the way of these plans by professing greater love for her, and finally, Ernie bows out, after the second one says that he won’t talk to another girl for an entire year. The mayor hears of this and considers Ernie very noble (not knowing his true intentions, of course) and makes him Boy Mayor. The End.

Orville comes up with a stunt to help Mr. Mactavish drum up business, and of course, it goes horribly wrong.

Charles Atlas wants to send you a free book about his “Dynamic Tension” method! Basically isometric exercises – no weights needed except your own body weight!

Which brings us to January 1949. And even dumber plotlines. Ernie tries out for the track team against Carl Clubhead, after a wager from Teddie that the winner could exclusively date her for a month; Carl wins by a hair, but the coach says that he doesn’t allow his athletes to date while they’re in training. Could he even do that?

“Kingdom for a Kiss” has the girls, Billie and Teddie, scheming to get Ernie to kiss Teddie. Billie notices a billboard for a contest, to finish a limerick for a dog-biscuit company; the prize is a kiss from Betty Sable, presumably a celebrity of sorts in their world. Billie explains to Teddie that this will work Ernie up to kissing HER next, if he wins. Teddie tells him that the limerick is for a school project, so he helps her. And of course, wins the contest; he hopes the prize is a shiny car or something fun, then freaks out when he realizes it’s actually a kiss. Betty is mortified and tries to get out of town as soon as possible, withdrawing her support from this dog-biscuit company and ready to swear allegiance to their competitor. As they are heading that way, Ernie thinks that she’s after him, so he keeps running . . . and ends up winning another contest by said competitor as he races through the woods. The prize is the same, and once again, he runs away. The girls can’t understand it, and when they finally ask him, he says it’s because he didn’t care about Betty, he cares about Teddie. So they kiss and he’s over the moon. What I really want to know is, was this a regular thing, this sort of “prize?” If so, how fuckin’ sexist is that?

Lily Belle tries to enter a “bathing beauty” contest, to the chagrin of her father, the Colonel. An old beau from down South is visiting and there’s some ridiculous Mason/Dixon bullshit between him and her steady admirers, and they manage to get her to the contest in time, where a near-sighted Mr. Magoo type character awards the Colonel the prize, which of course, once Cornpone sees it’s money, is alllll for it.

Ernie’s rival, Westbrook, challenges him to an art contest to try to win a date with Teddie. Chaos ensues, but Ernie gets the upper hand, and somehow shows up a great talent.

And Orville comes up with a great idea of an eleven-flavor soda; it’s a hit with the landlord, but of course, goofy Orville forgets what the combination is, so he has to work double-time to figure it out, ruining his planned date with Kewpie, who breaks up with him FOREVER . . . again. Until, of course, he figures it out, and is the hit of the party, which turns out to be the same high-society party Kewpie wanted to drag him to. And she forgives him. Until of course, the landlord wants another eleven-flavor soda and Orvie is up all night trying to figure out the formula once again. [whomp whomp]

Finally, the March 1949 issue. Ernie, in “Gorilla Game,” holes up in his room and the library, trying to find a cure for shyness. His sister accidentally breaks his mirror while she’s cleaning up the house. Once back home, gorilla gland extract comes for him in the mail. He mixes it into a concoction and takes it, only to find a gorilla staring back at him in the (broken) mirror. He passes out and the gorilla wreaks havoc on the town, with Billie and Teddie believing it’s really Ernie. Eventually he comes to and thinks he’s changed back, and the gorilla goes back to the zoo with no one there aware of the absolute panic he caused in the middle of Main Street.

Lily Belle finds a dog, the boys fight over her, some hotter guy comes along who actually owns the dog, the end.

Ernie gets invited to a party at Teddie’s. He wants to do a few magic tricks and new guy in town is a bully and tries to thwart him. Ernie’s tricks don’t go as planned at the party, but apparently, everyone thinks it’s comedic and he gets one over on the bully.

Orville gets a telegram at work that says his uncle, the beekeeper, has bequeathed him a thousand pounds. He thinks it’s British money, so goes on a spending spree, only to discover the it’s actually 1,000 pounds . . . of honey. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Well, that’s the show. Please like, subscribe, and comment. The Forgotten Library is available on most podcast aggregators. Transcripts and source materials are in the show notes. And suggestions for future shows are always welcome.

Until next time, I’m Nikki Gee, your intrepid library haunter.

Sources:

Ace Magazines (comics). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ace_Magazines_(comics)

Comic Book Plus. https://comicbookplus.com

J. Murrey Atkins Library – UNC Charlotte. Heroes and Villains: Silver Age Comics. https://silveragecomics.uncc.edu/timeline

Nolan, M. (2008). Love on the Racks: a History of American Romance Comics. McFarland Books.

Olds, L. (2001) World War II and Fashion: The Birth of the New Look. Constructing the Past (2)1, 47-64. http://digitalcommons.iwu.edu/constructing/vol2/iss1/

Tomes, J. (2017). The New Look: How Christian Dior revolutionized fashion 70 years ago. Deutsche Welle. https://www.dw.com/en/the-new-look-how-christian-dior-revolutionized-fashion-70-years-ago/a-37491236